Motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane!

17 Jan

That is my new way of expressing frustration, and I could not recommend it more. When all other words fail you, nothing feels quite like dropping “motherfucking” twice.

So, you know: UNCLE. Fiona is sick with her first real cold, and it’s dreadful. We took her to the ER on Friday night because her breathing was choppy and labored, and by the time we rolled in she was all coo’s and giggles, so much so that we felt like total Munchhausen by proxy parents even checking her in. The attending doctor kept saying, “Well, she looks fine, but if she has another “episode” bring her in!” Episode? Could there be a more condescending way of saying something?

If only we knew on Friday how much worse it was going to get, I would have saved my ER visit. It turns out that we are woefully unprepared for a sick baby. We are bumbling fools, everything we say has a hint of panic and a question mark on the end.

“Maybe . . . water?”
“Steam?”
“That noise does not sound right. Right?”
“You hold her, and I will shove this . . . up her nose?”

It’s bad, internet. I mean, I don’t want to over-exaggerate, but I think I’ve got a raging case of PTSD from the crying. I can hear a crying baby twenty miles away now, and it fills me with a sick dread. Last night we passed out in a snotty heap in front of the television and I woke up saying, “She’s started again!” and it was a stupid movie with a baby crying.

The thing is, we are still swaddling, and concurrent with the Ebola virus is her sudden readiness to not be swaddled. Which is fine, really, except she doesn’t sleep unless she is swaddled. So it goes: three hours of crying, lay her down, three hours of crying, lay her down, one hour of crying (by all of us) put her in the swing and curl up at the base sucking our thumbs. And let’s be real here, “crying” is a piss poor way to describe what a sick baby does. It’s more of a screech / arch / kick / gag / fart / vomit / screech / claw / inhale / silence for five seconds where you think it might be over but really they are just gathering apocalyptic strength / repeat.

Three days in to this and B and I (who never fight) are blaming each other for everything that has happened since Nam. I was rocking her and he comes charging in and says, “SHE DOESN’T LIKE THE FUCKING SWADDLE!” Like I invented the swaddle, then sewed the swaddle, then swaddled her in the swaddle, and then told everyone she could never get out of the swaddle. Motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane!

Last night we finally just put her in the car seat and stormed outside slamming doors and drove around until she was asleep. In retrospect it’s funny that we both went, like it was a normal family affair. We rode in complete silence for thirty minutes, seething at each other for indiscretions such as a stomach growl that woke her up once she was finally asleep.

Sidebar: when my nephew was little and he got mad he would make horns at you, and it became a family thing. I just searched for pictures and found at least one of everyone in the family doing it, and I would upload them all if I could but my computer is LAME, so here is one as an example:

Anyway, this is how B and I say “be quiet” when Fiona is sleeping, and last night B did it to the dogs. Just horned the shit right out of them when they had the audacity to walk up the stairs. Then I started laughing, and he horned me, so I had to do the silent laugh. What I am saying is, things have become crazy over here.

I want my sweet baby back! The smiler, the girl who slept all night and cuddled and didn’t leak fluids from several orifices at once. You know, the one I was going to talk about in a sweet little entry before that got derailed and bastardized into this entry. Motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane!

12 Responses to “Motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane!”

  1. Liz 01/17/2011 at 4:57 pm #

    Oh my sweet beloved. Well, the good news is that you only get a limited number of this level screaming before she learns to replace the screaming with the whining. I honestly don’t know which is worse.

    Josh & I nearly killed one another when Dash was in this phase. I recommend wine. A lot of wine.

    The last time Dash was really, really sick as a baby he projectile vomited INTO JOSH’S OPEN MOUTH. I laughed so hard I almost puked. You take the yuks where you can get them during these times.

    Fucking babies.

    (I like to leave really, really long comments. I’ve come to terms with it.)

    • lswan 01/26/2011 at 9:55 am #

      I gagged a little even thinking about that, and I love your long comments.

  2. Cathy Rowley 01/17/2011 at 5:13 pm #

    I know this is really mean, especially since I am your mother and all. I am reading this, nodding my head and smiling. Mostly because you are funny and partly because I know exactly what you are going through. I am human and do feel your pain though. I think just expressing the frustration of it all will help. A little.

  3. Amber 01/17/2011 at 5:31 pm #

    REALLY hoping that Fiona gets better soon!!

  4. Kim Kluempke 01/17/2011 at 6:59 pm #

    Oh the trials of a sick baby, especially when it’s your first baby and the first sickness. I still remember when Jeremy was sick the first time. I was so freaked out like OMG What do you do for them! They can’t tell you what is wrong and you don’t want to give them something they don’t need. And WHEN for the love of pete do you actually take them to the doctor!! As soon as I made the appt and got them to the clinic they were fine (or supposedly fine) until we get home & they wake from from their nap. You will get through this & many more tribulations to come. Hugs & Love, Kim

  5. MeAndBaby 01/18/2011 at 5:59 am #

    If the car ride worked you can also try putting her in her car seat and putting it on the dryer (not IN the dryer, on it ;)). Kaden went through a witching hour thingy (still does on occasion) and putting him on the running dryer worked like a charm – so much so one of my friends calls him “dryer baby”!

    As for the ER, Evan and I made a trip there too just after Christmas. I don’t plan to blog about it but Grandma tripped with him in her arms and he bumped his head. He was laughing and fine a short time after but three days later still had a bump so we went to the doc who suggested xrays which were inconclusive so he had to have a CT scan. All while cooing and flirting with the nurses. Of course his mommy was a nervous wreck. And the ER doc was an arrogant ass. And now I get emotional when I hear babies crying in Target.

    • lswan 01/26/2011 at 9:56 am #

      Your poor Mom! I bet she felt awful. The xrays were so bad, I can’t imagine a CT scan. So glad he is ok!

  6. carrie 01/18/2011 at 10:37 am #

    This all sucks as bad as that movie did. Motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane.

  7. Mrs. CPA 01/18/2011 at 3:05 pm #

    One Christmas when Hudson had RSV and a gross ear infection from a popped eardrum and stuff running out of every place on his head it could run out of – I spent 45 minutes rocking him and putting him gently in his crib. And then MY MOTHER RUSTLED THE MOTHERFUCKING NEWSPAPER AND HE WOKE UP SCREAMING.
    I don’t think she knew how close to eating that newspaper and dying she really was.
    Oh man, that still fires me up.

    And you know if you hadn’t taken her to the ER that it woudl have only gotten worse, and then you would have gotten yelled at for not bringing her sooner. It always works like that.

    • lswan 01/26/2011 at 10:36 am #

      Ok, B and I have laughed about this like twenty times. I know it’s not funny, but dude, it’s funny. Thanks for sharing. xoxo

  8. Amber 01/19/2011 at 3:05 pm #

    I just heard this exact phrase on an episode of Weeds and I spit out my water laughing…

  9. Deidre 04/04/2011 at 9:09 pm #

    The first time I’d ever really been around a baby was my nephew. And I was nannying and my brother and SIL and nephew all got the stomach flu. My nephew threw up all over me….luckily he wasn’t old enough to really cry and scream and cause a ruckus. But man, was I disgusted!

    You parents AMAZE ME.

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