In which I say “my uterus” way too many times.

14 May

I’ll give you three reasons why I haven’t posted pictures of the Spring Cleaning project, two of them aren’t true. You guess:

1. I did all my Spring Cleaning so fast that I didn’t want to make you feel bad.
2. I took so many pictures they are still downloading.
3. I didn’t do shit.

Let me end the suspense know and tell you that it’s number 2. Ha! Seriously, I had such good intentions, I even went shopping and got supplies. And I took before pictures*, which are a total humiliating example of my housekeeping skills. And I did finish the sock, plant the garden, and walk the dogs. Then, my uterus went all on the fritz and I haven’t done anything since.

I had to stop taking birth control because we are (hopefully) starting more treatment next month, and let me tell you who isn’t happy about it: my uterus. Last night I was almost positive we would end up in the ER with another exploding cyst situation. The pain leveled off, though, and I was able to get through it and watch six episodes of Californication** while pressing a heating pad on my stomach. Whew.

*So, I went to Fred Meyer and downloaded all of my cell phone pictures to disk, and I am standing at that stupid machine in the middle of the store sorting through 468 pictures, when up on the huge screen comes a close up shot of the penis straw that I got for the bachelorette party next month. I’ve never tried to hurry up a touch screen scroll as fast as I did just then.

**Have you all watched this show? I am LOVING IT. It is obscene but hilarious, and it is feeding my weird longing for California that I’ve had lately.

Anyway, I was feeling better today but not well enough to do anything of significance, so I decided to fill out my uterus’s application to the BUD. That is what it felt like, seriously, an application. Like I would come upon a question and I knew I didn’t have the right answer, and I wanted to fudge things to make my uterus look better. There were a lot of questions that I needed help with, so I called my mom. The conversation went something like this:

Me: How old was I when I started my period?***
Her: Well, we lived on Tamarack Way, and we had just gone to Disneyland. On the train! Remember that? Anyway, that was the year after we moved from California and that year I had just . . . JIM! (my dad’s name) WHAT YEAR DID WE GO TO DISNEYLAND?
Me: (trying to protest because I don’t want to know what effing year we went to Disneyland)
Her: (muffled sound of my dad doing a similar time line in his head) (loud clatter noise) OKAY I’M BACK! Dad thinks we went to Disneyland when you were in sixth grade.
Me: Ok. Let’s move on. How old were you when you had your last child?
Her: Well, I was pregnant with your sister when we lived in Aloha. And I was born in 1950. JIM! WHAT YEAR DID WE BUILD THAT HOUSE IN ALOHA?
Me: (not even trying anymore)
Her: (muffled sound of my dad reminiscing about building the house in Aloha.) OK I’M BACK! Dad says we build the house in Aloha in 1976.

Sigh. My poor uterus. It’s an uphill battle.

***Why didn’t I know this? I have no idea. It was summer, I remember, and it was painful. But I couldn’t for the life of me remember how old I was.


8 Responses to “In which I say “my uterus” way too many times.”

  1. T 05/14/2009 at 4:51 am #

    And I bet it seemed like it would have been a fairly quick and painless conversation beforehand eh? 🙂
    Too damn funny. And it made me wonder, wth did I start mine?? lol I remember I was at my Dad’s and Teri’s. My dad who couldn’t even stay in a doctor room with me because he couldn’t deal with them pricking and prodding at me.
    I’m rolling with the 6th grade too.

  2. Amber 05/14/2009 at 3:32 pm #

    Oh, I love you Lenny!

  3. lswan 05/14/2009 at 3:39 pm #

    No, you guys!

  4. Jim 05/14/2009 at 4:27 pm #

    I suppose I have some fault in that conversation as the hearing is not as keen as it used to be. Mom on the other hand hears well but can’t remember dates/places or events. Mom gets dejaheimer where in she knows she’s forgotten this before.

  5. lswan 05/14/2009 at 4:35 pm #

    DEJAHEIMER. Now THAT is funny.

  6. Carrie 05/14/2009 at 5:50 pm #

    wow I was a late bloomer, I started in 8th grade.

  7. Best Friend 05/14/2009 at 8:00 pm #

    Better being a late bloomer then 10 years old.

  8. Sara 05/18/2009 at 5:51 pm #

    That was priceless, I love the dialogue writing. And dejaheimer, I am totally using that one Jim!

    I was a really late bloomer, I got mine end of Freshman year. And I think I prayed for a good year for it to come because I was the only girl I knew who didn’t have it yet.

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