The Top Five Things Not To Say To An Infertile Couple

18 May

A lot of people don’t know what to say to people facing infertility. They worry that they shouldn’t bring it up, or that they shouldn’t talk about their own babies, and they wonder if they should joke about it or take it very, very seriously. I certainly can’t speak for everyone, but I think you can bring it up any time, I always want to hear about your babies, and joking is always welcome in my house. However, there are a few things that I think make most infertile couples cringe, and I’ve listed them out for you. I know!

1. When are you guys going to have a baby?

There are so many reasons why this is wrong, and not just to infertile couples. I would have never really understood how invasive this is if I hadn’t experienced infertility, so I am going to do a public service* and tell you to stop asking people this, it is such dickish thing to do. When you are mid-thirties, either you don’t want children, haven’t met the right person to have children with, are working on having children, or can’t have children. Any scenario is unacceptable to ask someone about at Starbucks.

2. I know a couple that tried and tried and then when they stopped trying they got pregnant.

Everyone knows this couple. Since any infertile person knows that this really doesn’t happen all the time, I am starting to think that it is the same couple and everyone just happens to know them. Their story is wildly famous, and they don’t even know it! You know how you guys were trying and then you stopped and then BAM you were pregnant? Well you aren’t going to believe this, but your story is EVERYWHERE. It’s making an infertile couple want to set their pubes on fire every day.

3. We are going to get pregnant in May.

A. How nice that you can pre-decide when the miracle of life will happen! You and JC should hang out and discuss how cool it is to be omnipotent.
B. And this really goes for everyone: saying “we” in that term is really unacceptable, and people judge you when say it.* It’s one thing to say, “We saw that movie!” But, “We loved that movie didn’t we?” No. Also, “we” aren’t getting pregnant. Only one of you will carry the baby, unless you think you have stumbled across some new way of conceiving, which brings me to:

4. You should just (insert advice here).

Trust me, we have tried it.

5. When we had (insert name) we weren’t even trying:

I get that this happens, I know and love babies that weren’t planned but telling this to an infertile person is like saying: I know that you have you have been taking your temperature every morning for three years, have had invasive procedures, and taken enough hormones to transgender a horse, but I found that just having a few too many cosmos worked.

*You’re welcome.


3 Responses to “The Top Five Things Not To Say To An Infertile Couple”

  1. T 05/21/2009 at 9:24 am #

    As discussed prior, you’re just a bitter bitch! lol

    People don’t seem to understand the feelings of an infertile couple ESPECIALLY when the couple is willing to share how they feel because then instead of being “brave” or ” honest” they are bitter and bitchy. People can’t even start to understand how much humor it takes to be infertile. Except for the people who created the “pregnant women are smug”. Those BB got the humor it takes !!!

    Oh and just for reference, the comment “you know as soon as you adopt you’re going to get pregnant with twins” is really not as funny as it may seem like when it comes out of your mouth.

    So to my hometown BB I say THANK YOU for saying the things that the small % of us not able to *just* get pregnant feel.

    I know people dont’ know how to talk to us BB but really all you have to do is be open and honest about the thoughts, questions or support you want to give. But pls don’t give advice such as ” if you stop stressing about it and just let it happen you’ll get pregnant” and pls pls think about what you are saying before you say it because it isn’t something we can just “fix” or we can just “get over”.

    Thank you, BB #2. Or perhaps I’ll just go by HB (humor bitch) so that the two of us aren’t confused. lol 🙂

    Luvs, Spoiled Eggs and Spam
    Spoiled Eggs speaks for itself
    Spam as in spammed by advice similar to the “improve your penis growth by 48% by taking our grow your pump pills” spam email.

    I will now be signing my posts this way!! In addition this will be the title of my adoption book. lol

  2. Raz 05/23/2009 at 12:54 pm #

    I think it’s a sign of my ridiculousness that throughout your post I was trying to come up with my own brand of “infertility humour”.


    Still working on it.

    • lswan 05/23/2009 at 4:50 pm #

      I didn’t think there was such a thing as “infertility humor” until someone told me this joke:

      Q: How many infertile people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      A: Do you think it will help?

      Maybe you have to be going through it to understand how funny that is, just because you try so many ridiculous things . . . but I laughed really hard about it.

      If you come up with any great, let me know! You have to laugh, right?

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