A lot of people don’t know what to say to people facing infertility. They worry that they shouldn’t bring it up, or that they shouldn’t talk about their own babies, and they wonder if they should joke about it or take it very, very seriously. I certainly can’t speak for everyone, but I think you can bring it up any time, I always want to hear about your babies, and joking is always welcome in my house. However, there are a few things that I think make most infertile couples cringe, and I’ve listed them out for you. I know!
1. When are you guys going to have a baby?
There are so many reasons why this is wrong, and not just to infertile couples. I would have never really understood how invasive this is if I hadn’t experienced infertility, so I am going to do a public service* and tell you to stop asking people this, it is such dickish thing to do. When you are mid-thirties, either you don’t want children, haven’t met the right person to have children with, are working on having children, or can’t have children. Any scenario is unacceptable to ask someone about at Starbucks.
2. I know a couple that tried and tried and then when they stopped trying they got pregnant.
Everyone knows this couple. Since any infertile person knows that this really doesn’t happen all the time, I am starting to think that it is the same couple and everyone just happens to know them. Their story is wildly famous, and they don’t even know it! You know how you guys were trying and then you stopped and then BAM you were pregnant? Well you aren’t going to believe this, but your story is EVERYWHERE. It’s making an infertile couple want to set their pubes on fire every day.
3. We are going to get pregnant in May.
A. How nice that you can pre-decide when the miracle of life will happen! You and JC should hang out and discuss how cool it is to be omnipotent.
B. And this really goes for everyone: saying “we” in that term is really unacceptable, and people judge you when say it.* It’s one thing to say, “We saw that movie!” But, “We loved that movie didn’t we?” No. Also, “we” aren’t getting pregnant. Only one of you will carry the baby, unless you think you have stumbled across some new way of conceiving, which brings me to:
4. You should just (insert advice here).
Trust me, we have tried it.
5. When we had (insert name) we weren’t even trying:
I get that this happens, I know and love babies that weren’t planned but telling this to an infertile person is like saying: I know that you have you have been taking your temperature every morning for three years, have had invasive procedures, and taken enough hormones to transgender a horse, but I found that just having a few too many cosmos worked.