I have been on vacation and I fully intended to keep posting here while I was gone, but before I left I had a bit of a . . . meltdown, I suppose one would call it, if one were being nice. So the vacation became a much needed break from everything.
Because the truth about infertility is that it is very, very exhausting, and very, very sad. This is from a post I wrote the day before I left, that thank God I decided not to put up:
Or will I do what I sometimes long to do, and just sit in the corner and wave my white flag? Cry uncle. Four years, I lose. Maybe God has been trying to tell me it’s not for me. Maybe what everyone sees as bravery is really just . . . defiance. Because I am not brave, never have been.
Yeah, I know. You suddenly feel the urge to put on all black and listen to Morrissey. I’m sorry. I am not usually like that, and luckily, I did some backward math and realized that I had been headed downhill since I saw the BUD (Bunk Uterus Doctor) and he put me on birth control. (Because the irony! It doesn’t stop!) I have a history of not doing well on birth control unless it is a very light dose of hormones, and thought that I had adequately explained that to BUD. I thought wrong.
Me: I think I am having a severe reaction to the birth control pills you put me on.
Chirpy Lady: OKAY! Let’s give this a look-see . . . .
Me: Weeping, silently, like I have been for four fucking days.
Chirpy Lady: OKAY! I looks like you are on KILLYOURSELFA PRO, and the side effects of that can be: dry mouth, tiredness, anger, major bouts of crippling depression and anxiety, stomach upset and weight gain.
Me: . . .
Chirpy: Have you had any of these?
Me: Yes. I have. I have had ALL OF THEM. NO FUCKING THANKS TO ANY OF YOU.
Chirpy: Oh. Well that’s no good! Perhaps I could talk to the doctor and then call you back!
Me: You do that, Chirpy. (Ok, I didn’t say that last part. But it sounds good!)
An hour later:
New Lady: I’m calling from BUD’s office. I see that you haven’t picked a date for your IVF yet.
Me: Um . . . because we don’t have $20,000.
NL: Well, great! Because you only need $7,500 to start!
Me: Well, not great! Because we don’t have $7,500 either.
NL: Well, we could schedule you for November, and then you wouldn’t have to pay until mid-November.
Me: I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A BREAKDOWN HERE. Do you think we could talk about this after the nurse calls back with an alternative birth control?
NL: Sure! I will call you next week to schedule.
Me: But . . . I don’t . . . can’t schedule yet . . . hello? HELLO?
The real clencher of this is that Chirpy didn’t call me back for four days. By that time I had already called my primary doctor and told her what was happening and she put me on new pills.
I didn’t even take Chirpy’s call, because, well, she can fuck off.
AND THEN. The business office calls me on our way to Bend. They want me to know that my $7,500 is due! You know, for the IVF I haven’t even scheduled.
I mean, the new pills hadn’t kicked in yet, so my reaction was a bit unfavorable. But: motherfucker? Are you kidding me? I’ve gotten less sales pressure at a mattress store.
So the vacation became a necessity, a chance to reboot. I was running on empty, both physically and mentally. I spent a lot of time doing this:
We had such a good time, and I did some things off my list. So once I am settled in I will resume normal-me posts. I just wanted to let you all know that I am here, and I am much better version of me. Me 2.0.