You do that, Chirpy.

27 Jul

I have been on vacation and I fully intended to keep posting here while I was gone, but before I left I had a bit of a . . . meltdown, I suppose one would call it, if one were being nice. So the vacation became a much needed break from everything.

Because the truth about infertility is that it is very, very exhausting, and very, very sad. This is from a post I wrote the day before I left, that thank God I decided not to put up:

Or will I do what I sometimes long to do, and just sit in the corner and wave my white flag? Cry uncle. Four years, I lose. Maybe God has been trying to tell me it’s not for me. Maybe what everyone sees as bravery is really just . . . defiance. Because I am not brave, never have been.

Yeah, I know. You suddenly feel the urge to put on all black and listen to Morrissey. I’m sorry. I am not usually like that, and luckily, I did some backward math and realized that I had been headed downhill since I saw the BUD (Bunk Uterus Doctor) and he put me on birth control. (Because the irony! It doesn’t stop!) I have a history of not doing well on birth control unless it is a very light dose of hormones, and thought that I had adequately explained that to BUD. I thought wrong.

Me: I think I am having a severe reaction to the birth control pills you put me on.
Chirpy Lady: OKAY! Let’s give this a look-see . . . .
Me: Weeping, silently, like I have been for four fucking days.
Chirpy Lady: OKAY! I looks like you are on KILLYOURSELFA PRO, and the side effects of that can be: dry mouth, tiredness, anger, major bouts of crippling depression and anxiety, stomach upset and weight gain.
Me: . . .
Chirpy: Have you had any of these?
Me: Yes. I have. I have had ALL OF THEM. NO FUCKING THANKS TO ANY OF YOU.
Chirpy: Oh. Well that’s no good! Perhaps I could talk to the doctor and then call you back!
Me: You do that, Chirpy. (Ok, I didn’t say that last part. But it sounds good!)

An hour later:

New Lady: I’m calling from BUD’s office. I see that you haven’t picked a date for your IVF yet.
Me: Um . . . because we don’t have $20,000.
NL: Well, great! Because you only need $7,500 to start!
Me: Well, not great! Because we don’t have $7,500 either.
NL: Well, we could schedule you for November, and then you wouldn’t have to pay until mid-November.
Me: I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A BREAKDOWN HERE. Do you think we could talk about this after the nurse calls back with an alternative birth control?
NL: Sure! I will call you next week to schedule.
Me: But . . . I don’t . . . can’t schedule yet . . . hello? HELLO?

The real clencher of this is that Chirpy didn’t call me back for four days. By that time I had already called my primary doctor and told her what was happening and she put me on new pills.

I didn’t even take Chirpy’s call, because, well, she can fuck off.

AND THEN. The business office calls me on our way to Bend. They want me to know that my $7,500 is due! You know, for the IVF I haven’t even scheduled.

I mean, the new pills hadn’t kicked in yet, so my reaction was a bit unfavorable. But: motherfucker? Are you kidding me? I’ve gotten less sales pressure at a mattress store.

So the vacation became a necessity, a chance to reboot. I was running on empty, both physically and mentally. I spent a lot of time doing this:

riverview

We had such a good time, and I did some things off my list. So once I am settled in I will resume normal-me posts. I just wanted to let you all know that I am here, and I am much better version of me. Me 2.0.

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2 Responses to “You do that, Chirpy.”

  1. T 07/27/2009 at 9:25 pm #

    Seriously. I have had the worst experiences with doctors when it comes to Spoiled ggs And Spam. WTH is the reasoning behind that? I mean do you think really it is just like we were saying about cancer. For so many people it’s common enough that they’re like not phased any more and just hoping their number isn’t pulled for the big “C”. Or…do they seriously not truly understand the depth of emotion that goes along with infertility?
    Uh boy….well all I can say is we are stronger for this. Not only that, how much more empathy do you think you feel for people with “issues” after so many times of dealing with another stock bought in the big fat negative pregnancy test???

  2. maggie 08/04/2009 at 12:47 am #

    I can relate to struggling to get pregnant- not the IVF, but the pain of wanting a baby so badly and not being able to get pregnant. I do have children, but my husband and I, although we have raised our kids together, don’t have a biological child. We got pregnant and I lost the baby in June at 13 weeks. Now we try again. I have Stage Four Endometriosis and am using natural techniques to balance hormones and increase fertility. I’m sorry the doctors and finance are so suck.

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