You all, I’ve got nothing to say. Or everything to say, but no way to say it.
For a week now I’ve started a post, got a couple of paragraphs in, and abandoned it. Now it’s become a “thing”, like I have to get over the hurdle of this bad post in order to move on. So here it is.
I am frustrated with infertility. I want to tell infertility to fuck off. I am angry, afraid, bitter, tired, resentful, worried, stressed, overwhelmed and pissed off. I am also aware that many of those words were synonyms. This is the worst blog post ever, remember? I might just throw in an overused cliche, when I can think of one.
Recently we had a one step forward, two steps back situation. (Overused cliche? CHECK) We had been planning on fundraising for IVF, and just kept putting it off because . . . how do you do that? Do you have a car wash? I just didn’t know where to start. Then we were approached by someone who said they would carry a baby for us.
I will give you a second for that to sink in.
I know, right? I mean . . . wild. So we thought about it, and talked about it, and finally we emailed her and said, shit, why not?
And Internet, it seemed too easy, and my experience has told me that everything about this process is soul-crushing hard. And the other thing, people would ask: but don’t you care that the baby wouldn’t be yours? and when I said no, it was because I am tired. I do care. I mean, we want to adopt and that is different, it is no relation to either one of us. But if it is just his, where am I? I kept thinking: I am dissipating here. What role will I play in the creation of this baby?
But that isn’t even the thing. The thing is, no one will do it. I mean, a traditional surrogacy. I guess no one in Oregon wants the blood on their hands, so to speak, if things go terribly wrong and end in a custody battle. So they only do IVF surrogacy, which is totally beside the point, because the point of having a surrogate was that it was going to cost less than IVF, therefore we could have a baby sooner.
I was calling around places and everyone was treating me like I was crazy. This is word for word how it went:
Me: I need to get information on your policy about surrogacy.
Her: Are you pregnant?
Her: Do you want to donate eggs?
Me: No. I am unable to get pregnant, and I have a friend that wants to carry a baby for me, and I don’t know how to move forward.
Her: Is she pregnant?
Me: NO! She needs to get pregnant. CAN YOU GET HER PREGNANT?
Her: Um, no.
All of the phone calls have gone like that. Unless you count the one where the lady suggested I try an at home kit.
I will give you another minute.
THERE IS SUCH A THING. It’s like a turkey baster.
Internet, I want a baby. But I will never hand a turkey baster full of my husbands sperm to anyone. Ever.
Here is the long winded, disjointed point: we got off track. We thought that this could be a cheaper, easier way to do it, and it isn’t. I think all along I felt that it wasn’t the way to go, but I was fighting it. I was hoping.
I know some of you reading have been through this stuff, and please tell me – did you do this back and forth thing? Am I making this too hard? Should I just shut up and save my money and have a car wash?