Me: So, we have that bbq.
Him: I don’t want to go.
Me: They are cool, you just have to get know them!
Him: Getting to know people is like, for third grade.
Me: Except online. I love my online friends. No awkwardness, I just learn shit about them.
Him: No awkwardness, EVER?
Me: No, not really. And if there was, you just SIGN OFF.
Him: I like it!
Me: And most of them know about the bunk baby maker thing too, so they don’t ask when we are having kids.
Him: That’s nice.
Me: Like the other day, I twittered that I was nervous about the lawyer appointment for the surrogacy, and almost right away, an internet friend was like, “oh no, do you want to DM?” That’s awesome.
Him: What the fuck is DM?
Me: Direct message, dude. So that not everyone can read it.
Him: This is why I wouldn’t be good online. Someone would ask me if I wanted to DM and I would be like, “Motherfucker, do I want to what? I’ll DM you right in the DM, if you know what I’m saying.”
Him: I know.
Me: So, no on the bbq?
Him: I don’t think so.
Him: Don’t forget too, we got that invite to go to that pool party?
Me: A POOL PARTY? I am confident that I did not, in fact, receive an invitation to a pool fucking party. I would have remembered.
Him: Well, we didn’t get the invitation, they forgot us, but they sent one to your sister, so we saw it at her house.
Me: It wasn’t —
Him: It was the one you said “mortally offended” your “sense of decorum”.
Me: I KNEW IT. I am not going to that party.
Him: Because of the invite?
Me: Honey, the invite was a black and white crooked photocopy of a picture of their baby with a dude standing in the background that they didn’t bother to crop out, so all you see is their baby, grainy like, and some dudes junk. Then they folded it in quarters, and then wrote with PENCIL “Please come to our pool party”.
Him: Bush league!
Me: It’s not even Bush league, honey. I think it’s passive aggressive, really. It’s like “come to my party, because I love you, but I hate you so much I can’t even crop this dudes junk out of the picture.” And in our case, since we didn’t even get an actual invite, they aren’t even loving us at all, but just subjecting us to the baby/junk picture.
Him: So no on the pool party?
Me: I just don’t know any of them, you know?
Him: Yeah, I know.