I accepted a friend request on Facebook from a girl I went to high school with but didn’t really know. I hate doing that, but I am also too much of a bleeding heart to ignore most friend requests.*
So Maria, it turns out, is a nightmare. Her status updates are like a mirror reflecting back to all of her friends what is wrong with America. The best friend and I have started to call her FUCKING MARIA, and now her name is a catch phrase for when things go wrong or are frustrating. Like, I can’t find my book, FUCKING MARIA.
Since I am a giver, I introduce you to Maria:
FUCKING MARIA: tired today last class in college one more day then off for a week term is over start new one in oct I need to go get scrubs for all my labs next term yah now hands on stuff love it still waiting for car driving me nutts he seems to be pertty slow and not good for calling back
FUCKING MARIA: cleaned house looks awesome now going to go christmes shopping yes thats rt layaway k-mart get her dn now so we have more money in december well at least we hope lol
FUCKING MARIA: can I say soar lol trav and I joined a gym so last nite man kicked my butt but I feel good now I am ready for coffee and head back again for more good pain.
FUCKING MARIA: were hm T seems to be fine and she said he is pertty smart kid lol gets that from me for sure lol another week down ready to relax
All spelling is, of course, as FUCKING MARIA intended it to be.
Part of me feels evil posting this, but seriously people, I can’t even parse out that last one. And then I find myself wondering: why I am trying to parse out FUCKING MARIA’S status updates? Is this an indication of needing a new life? Am I boring? And then I remember the ulcer and how I have to not worry as much, so I have to calm myself down. FUCKING MARIA!
*I say most friend requests here because there have been a few friend requests that I have opened and been like, OH HELLS TO THE NO YOU DIDN’T. Listen, high school was a long time ago, as are (sadly enough) my twenties, but if you did the following things, you should expect that I will NOT accept your friend request:
1. Slept with my boyfriend. (I recently had relax the rules on this one because – I am not even shitting you – it was too broad and some exceptions had to be made.)
2. Pushed yourself on me on our first date and then when I said no offered to show me your secret lair (under your water bed) where you had a porn stash.
3. Stole half of my apartment, including my birth control pills. (WTF?) (Also, good thing I had those!)
4. Asked me if I had any “grungy clothes” for you to wear outside because yours were too nice.
5. Beat me up. (This happened more than you would think, that is another whole blog post.)
I mean, FUCKING MARIA, a girl has her limits!