F%&!ing Maria

29 Sep

I accepted a friend request on Facebook from a girl I went to high school with but didn’t really know. I hate doing that, but I am also too much of a bleeding heart to ignore most friend requests.*

So Maria, it turns out, is a nightmare. Her status updates are like a mirror reflecting back to all of her friends what is wrong with America. The best friend and I have started to call her FUCKING MARIA, and now her name is a catch phrase for when things go wrong or are frustrating. Like, I can’t find my book, FUCKING MARIA.

Since I am a giver, I introduce you to Maria:

FUCKING MARIA: tired today last class in college one more day then off for a week term is over start new one in oct I need to go get scrubs for all my labs next term yah now hands on stuff love it still waiting for car driving me nutts he seems to be pertty slow and not good for calling back

FUCKING MARIA: cleaned house looks awesome now going to go christmes shopping yes thats rt layaway k-mart get her dn now so we have more money in december well at least we hope lol

FUCKING MARIA: can I say soar lol trav and I joined a gym so last nite man kicked my butt but I feel good now I am ready for coffee and head back again for more good pain.

FUCKING MARIA: were hm T seems to be fine and she said he is pertty smart kid lol gets that from me for sure lol another week down ready to relax

All spelling is, of course, as FUCKING MARIA intended it to be.

Part of me feels evil posting this, but seriously people, I can’t even parse out that last one. And then I find myself wondering: why I am trying to parse out FUCKING MARIA’S status updates? Is this an indication of needing a new life? Am I boring? And then I remember the ulcer and how I have to not worry as much, so I have to calm myself down. FUCKING MARIA!

*I say most friend requests here because there have been a few friend requests that I have opened and been like, OH HELLS TO THE NO YOU DIDN’T. Listen, high school was a long time ago, as are (sadly enough) my twenties, but if you did the following things, you should expect that I will NOT accept your friend request:

1. Slept with my boyfriend. (I recently had relax the rules on this one because – I am not even shitting you – it was too broad and some exceptions had to be made.)
2. Pushed yourself on me on our first date and then when I said no offered to show me your secret lair (under your water bed) where you had a porn stash.
3. Stole half of my apartment, including my birth control pills. (WTF?) (Also, good thing I had those!)
4. Asked me if I had any “grungy clothes” for you to wear outside because yours were too nice.
5. Beat me up. (This happened more than you would think, that is another whole blog post.)

I mean, FUCKING MARIA, a girl has her limits!


5 Responses to “F%&!ing Maria”

  1. Raz 09/29/2009 at 11:30 pm #

    I’m always scared of not accepting friend requests, but then every now and then I have a cull of my Facebook friends. If I don’t know them, or I added them because I met them once: they’re gone. How is that any better? Still, if I know someone a little bit I’ll always accept.

  2. MeAndBaby 09/30/2009 at 3:13 pm #

    Fucking Maria that is fucking funny! And I am sure you know this, but if you’d like to skip some of the nonsense, on FB you can hide a person’s updates from your feed. They are still your FB friend and don’t know that you’d care not to see all that crap!!

    Of course you can’t hide Maria’s now though. It’s turned into something too hilarious to hide!

  3. carrie 09/30/2009 at 7:59 pm #

    I love the hide option on FB. You irratate me more than once- GONE. I don’t F around with that stuff.

  4. Amber 09/30/2009 at 8:31 pm #

    Sooo…I also have her as a FB friend and have a HUGE list of people that slept with my high school boyfriend. Love you more.

  5. Desiraie 10/13/2009 at 3:55 am #

    I can SO relate. I love the hide feature too but then I always think how those people can still see everything I post. Are they worthy?

    I had a friend from high school that I totally loved and she used to be so sweet! We becames FB friends only for me to find that she posts drama to her status alll the time and talks trash about people and threatens them, “I’m going to delete you this afternoon but I’m giving you time to read this first.” I deleted her after that last post. I mean I thought high school was a LONG ass time ago. FUCKING MARIA.

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