Today we had family drama. Which really seems to be the main drama in our lives, aside from the whole barren womb thing. Is there anything more exhausting than the combination of guilt and frustration and obligation and anger that family drama causes?
This drama centers around someone who is really sick and might die in the next couple of days. Someone who has done some terrible things to the family, and ruled with an iron fist and fear, who is now the weak one that needs people. And my bitter heart can’t bend.
I don’t know, people. I read last night that depression is, if anything, a crisis of energy. Doesn’t that make perfect sense? It is like my body is just spitting out the disc, unable to read this drama. Don’t think I am a horrible person, I’m not. I would tell you the wrongs that this person committed but this isn’t the place for that. It doesn’t even really matter what I think, this is B’s side, it is his call, his forgiveness. And he is such a good person, I am so fierce when it comes to seeing him hurt. Now I have to watch him agonize over whether to issue some deathbed reprieve? How about not doing the bad things in the first place, and letting the deathbed be a place of love? I always want to go back, before the hurt. It seems easier to time travel than it does to heal a wrong sometimes.
I think what I am looking for, it’s called grace. Sure could use some right now.