I spent the better part of this day searching for Bird’s Custard. Bird’s Custard is an English thing, an essential ingredient to my favorite Canadian treat, Nanaimo Bars. There are lots of impostor bars out there, but I have the recipe that my Grandma used to make, and she is Canadian and has actually been to Nanaimo. THAT recipe calls for Bird’s Custard, but apparently no one in America cares about my authentic dish.
I went to six different grocery stores and when they didn’t have it I called about ten others. Calling was extra special because I had to spell “bird” each time because no one knew what I was talking about. I talked to some super nice people though, a few of them even put me through to the buyers who googled the custard and tried to come up with alternatives.
I was completely exhausted and only cooked one thing from my long list when I remembered Whole Foods. OF COURSE! Whole Foods! So when I call I go through the whole spelling thing and then I get the buyer on the line and he says that they do not have Bird’s Custard but they have a similar product that will work. Even though it goes against all that I believe in, I get the name of said similar product because really? This has gone on long enough.
I drive all the way to Whole Foods, and by this time it’s dark out, that is how long this obsession has taken. I am actually sweaty even, from running around all day. I burst into the baking section, scan the shelves and do you know what the “similar product” was? VANILLA FUCKING PUDDING.
Hey, world-traveler Whole Foods buyer guy? Guess where else they have vanilla pudding? ALBERTSONS. If I was looking for vanilla pudding, I would have just gone ahead and picked that up six stores ago.
I had to just buy it though, because Thanksgiving is tomorrow and Whole Foods had me by the balls. So I stopped and bought some bubble bath called “Tranquility” on the way out, and called my mom and told her I was making the Nanaimo Bars without the fucking Bird’s Custard and not only is she going to eat them, she is going to love them.