Oh, right! My barren womb!

2 Dec

Sometimes I forget that I am supposed to be keeping people updated on my baby situation.

Update: womb still barren.

No, seriously, you guys! Infertility is serious! The serious news is that we are waiting for the right number of days to pass before my babymama can take a test and determine if the second insemination worked or not. So really, this is the lamest update yet because there is no update.

I’m much more nervous this time. B has the date we are supposed to test front and center in his mind, but I purposely have blocked it out, making it fuzzy so I can’t fixate. Because really? Either she already is or already isn’t, so focusing on the date we will know that doesn’t really help biology.

Meanwhile roughly (and this really is just a rough number) 4 out 5 people on my Twitter feed are pregnant. Which is lovely, I really never begrudge anyone the miracle of life. Yet, I do claim the right to tell you in an honest way that IT SUCKS to read about how @chickidon’tevenknow is soooo hungry lol.

Sometimes I catch a hint of this anger, the screaming unjustness of it all, and I have to swallow it back. I was doing some research the other day and one of the books I came across was a prayer book for infertile people, with different questions to ask God. One of them was whether or not God has cursed women who can’t have babies, or if past sin has prevented them from the blessing.

I don’t think I have to tell you how much this pissed me off, but I’m going to go ahead and take a STAB at it.

Everywhere I look there are pregnant people, and I would say that less than forty percent of those people are people equipped to handle a baby. Fucking teenagers, cracked out druggies, people who already have more kids than they can handle, etc. These people are better than me, in God’s eyes? My God doesn’t roll like that, and neither do I.

I’ve done things wrong, I have. I’ve broken a heart. I’ve lied. But I take Starbucks to the road construction crews every winter too, and I always put my shopping cart in the designated return cart area instead of leaving it the parking lot like a total dick. So I really, REALLY would appreciate it Mrs. Judgy McGoderson and her fucking low rent Amazon prayer book would back the shit out of my barren womb.

Ahem. Back to chocking back the anger! Do you see what I mean? Under the surface is this simmer, and I worry, I worry, I worry. I worry that I don’t have the fortitude for this fight. I worry that I am wasting my life fighting. Living in this in between world is not for the faint of heart, it is hard and it is always present, and it is a hollow, knocking feeling, like my heart is a pair of tennis shoes in a dryer.

I always remind myself that things could be worse, and they could. Such terrible things happen every day. But living your life being grateful that your suck is less than the national level of suck is no way to live either.

And since I’m baring my soul here, I’m scared. I’m scared that I will end up like Aunt Glady’s from Home for the Holidays, alone and batshit crazy and a burden to everyone and trying to give away lamp shades. We live in a society where on some level, people believe that there is something wrong with people that don’t have children. That’s just the truth. And I think some women just decide not to fight it, the stigma. They wave a white flag and get a bunch of animals so that they have something to love, and then they slowly retreat out of sight.

And then, the end of this post. In which I tell myself and therefore you that I believe we will have a baby, even if I don’t know how she will get here. If I pray for anything tonight, it won’t be to ask God to forgive me of the sins that caused my infertility, it will be for the courage to wait for the baby that I know is coming. That is how you keep the faith.

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28 Responses to “Oh, right! My barren womb!”

  1. Carmen 12/03/2009 at 5:24 am #

    Keep the faith. Keep the faith.

    And, um, I’m in your twitter feed and I’m MOST DEF not pregnant. I am, however, almost always hungry and tweet that often.

    • lswan 12/03/2009 at 8:39 pm #

      I’ll read your hungry tweets any day! Thanks for the support!

  2. amie 12/03/2009 at 5:55 am #

    A baby is coming from somewhere, sometime bc it is so honestly & earnestly your heart’s desire. You will find him/her & she/he will find u & you will be happy. I can tell you sitting seven yrs on the other side of this battle that it won’t always be so raw and painful. That was my biggest fear, that it would always hurt so heartachingly, terribley,bleedingly bad.

    Must warn u I really believe in run on sentences and not so much in commas 🙂

    • lswan 12/03/2009 at 8:40 pm #

      Thank you so much, I always love to hear from people with perspective from the other side of this. xoxo

      • amie 12/03/2009 at 11:38 pm #

        PS U could prob stab the amazon book lady. People would totally understand & e happy to have one less preachy nutjob in world 🙂

  3. mepsipax 12/03/2009 at 6:31 am #

    Good luck with the baby mama. Being pissed is not always a bad thing. Just don’t stab anyone.

    • lswan 12/03/2009 at 8:40 pm #

      Wait, I can’t stab anyone? Not even the Amazon book lady? Fuck.

  4. Cindy 12/03/2009 at 7:31 am #

    DUDE! I totally take the carts back too! WTF?? People are dicks.

    Yeh – I got an email from one of my best friends letting me know her new favorite site is http://momstyleicons.blogspot.com and the first thing that came to my head was “awesome, I don’t even know my mother so I will never be able to submit a picture of her” and, of course, second I thought “*I* will never be on this site” (probably)… then I went and got drunk and felt normal again.

    • lswan 12/03/2009 at 8:41 pm #

      I heart you.

  5. Amy 12/03/2009 at 8:10 am #

    Good for you for feeling confident enough to be real on your space. I am not always honest because I’m worried about Mrs. Judgey McGoody (was that her name?) but you have a right to be angry.

    We all have our struggles and our duty is to support our sisters knowing that each one has a burden whether the same as ours or not.

    I will be praying for you on your journey.

    • lswan 12/03/2009 at 8:42 pm #

      It’s hard sometimes, to be honest about things, because I always worry I will hurt someone who is pregnant or that they will think I am speaking of them, when honestly, I love my preggo friends. It’s just that at the same time, it’s hard. Thank you so much for your support and prayers!

  6. Amber 12/03/2009 at 9:18 am #

    I’m so happy that you didn’t take a long break from blogging! (After last month, I thought you would.) : )

    I’m keeping you all in my thoughts!

    • lswan 12/03/2009 at 8:43 pm #

      I thought I would too, but I got in the habit of writing more, and I think I will try to keep it 4 to 5 days a week. Well, as long as I have something to say. 🙂

  7. carrie 12/03/2009 at 10:44 am #

    What ever the outcome is….

    I WILL LOVE YOUR LAMPSHADES.

    • lswan 12/03/2009 at 8:44 pm #

      Thanks, dude. 🙂

  8. Liz 12/03/2009 at 12:05 pm #

    I have to tell you something embarrassing. I read Eat, Pray, Love. Even worse, I kinda liked it. In it she’s talking about how she was ashamed to complain about the demise of her marriage to her friend who was living & suffering in the Middle East (am I remembering this right?). Anyway, her friend said something to the effect of this: just because it isn’t the worst thing ever doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. Just because some people are worse off doesn’t mean that you need to be cheerful all the goddamn time. Infertility is so, so terrible. The worst possible punishment for someone who only wants a family. You are allowed to feel horrible about this. And, as Amie said, a baby is coming. One way or another. And I’m gonna make it a quilt.

    • lswan 12/03/2009 at 8:48 pm #

      I loved that book too, in fact, one of my tattoos was inspired by it. It got a little preachy and new agey off and on, but overall I thought her voice was so strong.

      Anyway, the thing about you is that you have consistently given me permission to be sad, and I don’t think I realized how huge that is until recently. I guess, for whatever reason, I needed that? I know you have had these same feelings, and I see you and your adorable family and I know that this is worth fighting for. Thank you for that.

      I can’t even really process the quilt thing without completely spazzing out, so I’m just going to say that the very idea of that made my day.

  9. papa 12/03/2009 at 4:24 pm #

    I thought your mom was aunt Glady’s. Fight the fight. That’s all anybody including God can ask of a human being. I believe in you. Loves

    • lswan 12/03/2009 at 8:49 pm #

      So lucky to have you. 🙂

  10. Mommy Melee 12/04/2009 at 12:36 pm #

    Let that shit out, girl. Simmering is only healthy for tea and gravy. Probably not even for gravy.

    • lswan 12/05/2009 at 10:54 pm #

      Probably going to embroider this on a pillow, that’s how much I need to remember it. Don’t worry, I’ll credit you when I sell them on Etsy. 🙂

  11. Sara 12/04/2009 at 4:07 pm #

    I love you! Be who you are because that woman is wonderful.

    Embrace your truth, your anger, your worry, your scared-ness, your level of suck. Embrace your belief, your hope, your love for this baby. Make your lists. Someday soon you will be able to embrace him or her in the flesh.

    Also, this blog is an amazing gift you gave yourself. Thank you for giving it to me too. I have enjoyed watching you grow here and your writing is developing into an amazing, artful, emotional talent. Keep it up!

    • lswan 12/05/2009 at 10:55 pm #

      You. xoxo.

  12. Lin 12/08/2009 at 2:43 pm #

    WOW…brilliant post! That is a prayer many of us can second and share!

  13. elizabeth 01/23/2010 at 12:31 am #

    I am late in reading this, but it beautiful. You are a wonderful writer. Happy, happy to read the posts that followed this one. Sweet news & glad to hear it.

    • lswan 01/24/2010 at 9:02 am #

      Thank you so much!

  14. NotTheMama 02/15/2010 at 3:37 pm #

    Are you in my head? ‘Cuz I’m really tired of SuperFertileLady’s shopping cart flying into the side of my car and dinging it up. And I realllllllly don’t want to become that animal lady. And lately thw only things keeping me sane are prayers for grace and reminding myself that someday, somehow, there is a baby in all this. That, and beating a select few up, if only in my head or on the wii.
    Here from Creme, will be back!

  15. Danielle 02/16/2010 at 11:48 am #

    This was great and just what I needed today! I’m here from the Creme de la Creme. Reading your post today is SO how I’m feeling right now. I can totally relate to the “sucking less” and the God stuff. You hit the nail on the head!

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