It turns out that a picture of a positive pregnancy test renders my brain a big pile of spinning cells that can’t make connections and/or sentences. It’s staggering really, the whole concept that sperm + uterus = baby is an equation that I truly didn’t grasp. We are getting these weekly emails about what is going on with the pregnancy and each time we read it our minds are blown.
Me: Your baby is six weeks old. It has buds for arms and legs –
B: ARMS AND LEGS? IT HAS ARMS AND LEGS? AMAZING!
Me: Apparently so! And GET THIS: last week it was a sesame seed and this week it is a legume. A FUCKING LEGUME, HONEY.
B: What the fuck is a legume?
Me: I don’t even really know, but it’s way bigger than a sesame seed!
This goes on and on, there is no piece of information that seems less earth shattering than before.
Under all of it, of course, is this current of fear, this holding of breath, waiting for the doctor appointment where there can be official confirmation, sounds of heartbeat, a party with cake . . . whatever it is they do at a baby appointment. Our babymama is so chill she is like, yeah, I will go in at about 10 weeks, they can’t really do anything but give me another test until then. I’m thinking LET’S DO THAT! Let’s take more tests! Do you have to pee now? And then I have to remind myself that she is creating life for me, and I need to back up out of her bidness and let her do her good work.
My sister had her Christmas with that side of the family last week, and so all night I knew my babymama was at my sisters, and it was killing me. My sister called later and said: Great news! Your babymama is broken out and super bitchy, and she was like that when she was pregnant with a girl last time! My poor babymama! She is cranky and broken out and we are all HUZZAH IT’S A GIRL! GET PINK CIGARS!
On top of all this insanity, the day after I found out she was pregnant I got a job. A high stress, deadlines all the time job. It’s harshing on my Christmas buzz, I’ll tell you that much. I really like it but it was all so much at once that I’ve been like a kid that has too much activity and just needs to have some quiet time.
I have these little, fleeting moments of grace. It’s all deadlines and stress and presents and money and nerves and then, like a little zing, this little ray of peace shoots across it all. I just keep trying to hold on to those longer and longer.