Are you there, Blog? It’s me, Lindsey.

25 Mar

You know, I found out about the baby and the job so soon together. The job turned out to be the most challenging of my adult life, and I suppose on some level working non-stop around the clock has saved me a bit, because my fear about this baby almost swallowed me whole in the beginning. I think people that know me know when I am silent I am the most vulnerable, and not silent because I don’t have anything to say but because I have too much to say, and I get swallowed up in it.

I wanted so much to go straight from trying for baby to excited about baby, and I kept butting up against myself, disappointing myself because after the initial excitement I felt only fear, and I didn’t want to be the person that was finally getting what I want and still complaining about my existential crisis.

The truth is, the night we found out I cried because I was happy and I cried because I was sad. It was confirmation that my body couldn’t carry our baby. The truth is, I went straight from that to a place of such fear that I couldn’t even talk here about it. The more excited B was, the more scared I was. We have had so much disappointment, I thought, that if she changed her mind or something else happened, we couldn’t survive it. I am sure that I have driven everyone around me insane, because all that my brain could do was process what if’s, various scenarios wherein everything went to shit.

There was a turning point, though. At the last doctor appointment it was just her and I because B couldn’t make it, and while we sat in the waiting room she said she could feel the baby move. I told her that there were a lot of things I didn’t mind missing, but that one was hard for me. She said it’s a lot like a gas pain, that I knew what it felt like but just didn’t know it. We just understood each other then, I guess. It unlocked a little bit. I asked her if I could start taking pictures of her belly, and she said: it’s your baby, of course you can. I played those words for days: your baby, your baby, your baby.

In little tiny increments, I am less afraid. I heard the heartbeat, I see the bump, I fill out the papers, I pick out paint, and I read everything. It seems like a luxury to worry about what formula to use, it means that I have stopped being afraid (mostly) that she will change her mind.

Along the way, there have been so many times that I have wanted to share things with you guys, and as silly as it sounds, I have felt incomplete in the journey because I am not sharing it here. So if you are still out there, I am going to try and not be silent anymore.

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17 Responses to “Are you there, Blog? It’s me, Lindsey.”

  1. Lanie 03/26/2010 at 7:49 am #

    Yay – you’re back! I completely understand the fear. After 2.5 years of infertility and disappointments, I was unable to feel joy when I finally got pregnant last May. My friends thought I was being morbid constantly talking about the inevitable passing of my unborn child. I told them that at 20 weeks I’d start being positive. And I did! And now I have a beautiful daughter. Unfortunately the anxiety doesn’t go away. There are always fears that I’ll drop her (which I did), that we’ll accidentally harm her, that someone else will hurt her….I think it goes on and on. The best thing for people like us who get swallowed by fear is to learn to manage the fear…otherwise we risk role modeling anxiety for our kids. Anyway, great to see you back on the blog! I wasn’t going to stop checking in.

    • lswan 03/27/2010 at 6:41 am #

      Thank you for still being here! And for understanding, because you are so right I don’t want to pass the worry gene on, I am going to have to work really hard to not do that. Congrats on the baby, I love a happy ending!

  2. Amber 03/26/2010 at 7:54 am #

    Lovin’ you!

    • lswan 03/27/2010 at 6:41 am #

      No, you!

  3. Carrie 03/26/2010 at 8:22 am #

    I thought you would never make it back. I acutally wanted to post for you because there is so much wonderful stuff you need to be sharing.

    And now I can publicly start talking about your baby shower.

    I love this baby’s face off and what to put it in my pocket and carry it around.

    • lswan 03/27/2010 at 6:41 am #

      Baby shower, WOO HOO!

  4. Liz 03/26/2010 at 9:22 am #

    Finally. Sheesh. I’m embarrassed to say how often I thought about yelling at you to blog already. I am creepy.

    • lswan 03/27/2010 at 6:42 am #

      NOT CREEPY, SPECIAL.

  5. Cathy 03/26/2010 at 6:23 pm #

    Hallelujah! My worry girl is back! Do you remember the worry dolls Grandma bought for you and Carrie? Now was that a perfect gift or what! We need to hunt down some more and you can set them next to Virginia.

    • lswan 03/27/2010 at 6:42 am #

      I need some more of those! xoxo

  6. elaine 03/27/2010 at 4:05 pm #

    Thought something was wrong, but it’s all so not wrong. So happy for you and B. My thanks to your life-affirming babymama. I too remember those long months and years of waiting for baby no 1. Everything is crossed here in rainy England for a wonderful outcome. Love your brutal honesty, your goodness and your humour and think you’re wonderful. Keep on blogging and keeping the dream alive.

    • lswan 03/28/2010 at 9:43 am #

      Thank you so much, Elaine! I read this comment to B and we marveled at how special it was. 🙂

  7. girlvaughn 03/27/2010 at 9:44 pm #

    I’m not going to mention, again, how creepy it is that I so completely relate to every word you write… because, well, that’s getting creepy.

    I always get super excited when you pop up in my reader, but I totally understand when you may not. Either way, I am here (er, online) supporting you and dying to hear all about the baby.

    • lswan 03/28/2010 at 9:47 am #

      I appreciate your support more than you may ever know. 🙂

  8. MeAndBaby 03/28/2010 at 7:02 am #

    Still here and loving that you’re going to post more! (I hope to too but still sooo tired). And LOVE the finger puppet! You’re the coolest! Seriously.

    • lswan 03/28/2010 at 9:50 am #

      NO, YOU! I just thought about you yesterday, just all walking around with your twin babies and pending new house . . . how funny is life? Hope all is going well with the house stuff, that in itself is probably exhausting. Have you thought names yet? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

  9. Desiraie 04/07/2010 at 11:28 am #

    I am SO glad you are blogging again. I swear I could feel your fear but was waiting for you to come out of it and start sharing. XOXO

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