One of the things on my November list was to tackle Winco. Do you all have Winco’s ? It is like the K-Mart of grocery shopping. And you know how I feel about K-Mart.
Our Winco is busted up. No matter what time you go it is crowded as fuck with a . . . how did they say it in Happy Gilmore? . . . economically diverse crowd. B and I have been exactly twice, and both times we approached it like combat. We had an exit strategy in place, a plan if we got separated, communication devices, water, snacks and comfortable shoes. Still, it almost ruined us.
Let me break down the types of people at my Winco:
1. The majority are really large zombie-like people, instead of feeding on brains they feed on good deals. They cluster around the deals, SLOW AS SHIT, sauntering and shuffling, being all . . . big. And gross.
2. Then there are the thrifty soccer moms. They zip around the zombies quickly, and they will run your sorry ass over and not even wipe off their shoe if you get in their way. They have a Bluetooth, obvs, because they need to be hands-free for all of the ass-kicking and bargain-shopping. They look nice, but I can’t stress enough: they will cut you.
3. Then there are the multi-generational family packs. Because really, who doesn’t want to shop with your kids, your mother, your grandmother and her sister, and your six cousins? It makes it so much more clusterfucky! These people just jam shit up. The zombies tend to just bump their carts into them over and over again, and the moms either avoid completely or sigh loudly and shove past.
4. Finally, there are the people like me. The people who don’t really know the layout, who are scared and alone and confused, armed with antibacterial gel and only a vague memory of all the stories of money you can save.
That pretty much sums up the store. It’s terrifying. But today, I did it. I did it for my family, because when you get shitcanned by your evil troll boss you do things you don’t want to do. I strapped Fiona to my chest, secured my water source, and busted that shit up.
I feel like I’m really going to succeed at this SAHM thing.