3 Nov

One of the things on my November list was to tackle Winco. Do you all have Winco’s ? It is like the K-Mart of grocery shopping. And you know how I feel about K-Mart.

Our Winco is busted up. No matter what time you go it is crowded as fuck with a . . . how did they say it in Happy Gilmore? . . . economically diverse crowd. B and I have been exactly twice, and both times we approached it like combat. We had an exit strategy in place, a plan if we got separated, communication devices, water, snacks and comfortable shoes. Still, it almost ruined us.

Let me break down the types of people at my Winco:

1. The majority are really large zombie-like people, instead of feeding on brains they feed on good deals. They cluster around the deals, SLOW AS SHIT, sauntering and shuffling, being all . . . big. And gross.

2. Then there are the thrifty soccer moms. They zip around the zombies quickly, and they will run your sorry ass over and not even wipe off their shoe if you get in their way. They have a Bluetooth, obvs, because they need to be hands-free for all of the ass-kicking and bargain-shopping. They look nice, but I can’t stress enough: they will cut you.

3. Then there are the multi-generational family packs. Because really, who doesn’t want to shop with your kids, your mother, your grandmother and her sister, and your six cousins? It makes it so much more clusterfucky! These people just jam shit up. The zombies tend to just bump their carts into them over and over again, and the moms either avoid completely or sigh loudly and shove past.

4. Finally, there are the people like me. The people who don’t really know the layout, who are scared and alone and confused, armed with antibacterial gel and only a vague memory of all the stories of money you can save.

That pretty much sums up the store. It’s terrifying. But today, I did it. I did it for my family, because when you get shitcanned by your evil troll boss you do things you don’t want to do. I strapped Fiona to my chest, secured my water source, and busted that shit up.

I feel like I’m really going to succeed at this SAHM thing.


5 Responses to “Winco”

  1. girlvaughn 11/03/2010 at 7:56 pm #

    I can’t stand when people mosey, it totally drives me insane.

    You’ll be running people over in no time!

  2. Lelo 11/04/2010 at 11:02 am #

    It’s the cracker whites who scare me at WinCo. Yes, I really wrote that. Last time when I found myself in a WinCo, while I was checking out, I looked over to see a couple completely filling their check out lane thingy full of boxes and boxes of frozen processed food. Pizzas up the wazoo. I think my mouth fell open and I had a moment of wha’ wha’.

    Oh, and don’t miss the canned meat department at WinCo. You can get a whole chicken, in a can.

    • lswan 11/05/2010 at 7:07 pm #

      Cracker whites, hilarious. We call them Cracker Jacks, and you are not alone, they scare the shit out of me. The zombies are just shuffling, you know? The Cracker Jacks will cut you for your coupons.

      And I mean this, I can’t think of anything more disgusting than a whole chicken in a can. It makes my throat close up to think of it.

  3. Desiraie 11/17/2010 at 2:27 pm #

    OMG … I love you. I think I fall into the #2 category minus the kids and coupons. I’m sure that will come some day.

    The thing I like most is bagging my own groceries. It’s an OCD thing. People never bag my shit right and I swear I will stand in the parking lot and rebag my stuff as I put it in the car. Winco solves this problem for me, even though I also always have to stop at Trader Joe’s for some things I just won’t buy at Winco.


  1. You can’t make this up « I Digress: Tales From a Baby-Starved Wingnut - 11/18/2010

    […] I mean, I’ll be honest you guys, I didn’t even do the zombie apocalypse thing in Winco, because that is just too terrifying. If I was trapped in Winco – I shudder to think. I […]

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