You can’t make this up

18 Nov

So I had to go to this “orientation” for unemployment today. It was as fun as it sounds, let’s get that out of the way right now. Welcome to Unemployment! The pay is shit and the stress is free!

What is it with me and places filled with nasty people? Is it the universe feeding my “what if there was a zombie invasion right now?” fantasy? I mean, I’ll be honest you guys, I didn’t even do the zombie apocalypse thing in Winco, because that is just too terrifying. If I was trapped in Winco – I shudder to think. I cannot go there.

I digress. I believe that Oregon has the highest unemployment rate in the nation right now, so there were a ton of people at “orientation”. Why do I keep putting quotes around “orientation”? I only know that it feels right.

The following things happened at “orientation” (I can’t stop doing it!):

1. First off, I saw this bat-shit crazy lady in a big sarong fluttering around muttering about directions for something and I knew – I just knew – it was my ex-boyfriend’s mother. My ex and I were together for seven years, so I know this woman well. She was (is) crazy. This entire post could be nothing but reasons why I don’t want to see Ms. Nut Job, but do I really need to even list them? Oh, hi! What’s that you say? Your son is living in a mansion and married to a descendant of Mother Theresa? Fabulous! Oh, me? I’m great. You know, what with being at the fucking unemployment office and all. We haven’t seen each other since when? OH RIGHT. When your son cheated on me and I found a porn collection in my closet and I drove them all over to your house and gave them to you, because as the woman who fucked him up so hard, I thought you would like to share in some of the end-product. I hope you enjoyed Anal Adventures 25! Too-da-loo!

2. I had to take a math test. Y’all, I’m an English major. I don’t do math. Why am I taking a math test? The guy, who was obviously passionate about his job, told me to just do it because “nobody ever looks at it”. So I am not kidding or even exaggerating, it starts on Level 3, because it assumes that even a chimp can master Level 1 and 2. I had sweat through my bra by the third question. I choked, hard. I just started randomly clicking shit, figuring I had a solid chance of just passing it. NO. I failed. The computer automatically flagged the firecracker that had set me up and he comes over and is like, Oh, I’m not sure how to handle this. HECTOR HOW DO WE RESET THE MATH TEST TO BASIC LEVEL ONE? Hector, the only person on the block that didn’t hear him says, WHAT LEVEL? and so the firecracker has to say it again, BASIC LEVEL ONE! The guy next to me who was clearly homeless snorted like, you poor stupid fool.

The first question of BASIC LEVEL ONE shows a PICTURE of three dollar bills and a five dollar bill and says in a big font: COUNT THE MONEY. HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU SEE? I die, internet. I just die.

3. I was knitting in between sessions because somehow I became that person, and I also had two things that the sign specifically said you could not have (a phone and a drink) so when they called my name I jumped and my yarn rolled down the row of people waiting. Not one of those motherfuckers bent over to stop it, either. A whole row of America, just watching my purple yarn roll down the row while I bumble behind it with my drink and my BlackBerry, half apologizing and half MURDERING THEM WITH MY EYES.

4. So the last part of the whole thing is where they explain to you how to find a job. Sigh. The lady who I got was this little Chinese lady who must have taken a liking to me when she saw me bumble with the yarn because she was really nice but OMG she kept explaining to me how the internet works. She was really, really impressed that the internet is open 24 hours a day, from any state. ANY STATE, she says, ANYWHERE, you just click the ling. That is how she said “link” if that isn’t the most awesome thing you have ever heard. It instantly became part of my lingo. You just click the ling!

5. When I left I opened the giant doors to step outside and just as freezing rain hit my cheek some random unstable man jumped in front of me and yelled HOW DO YOU LIKE THE FREEZING RAIN? Well, good sir, I hadn’t had a chance to process it yet.

I wish I had a moral to this story. Don’t get fired? Yeah, don’t get fired. Write that down.

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12 Responses to “You can’t make this up”

  1. girlvaughn 11/18/2010 at 6:00 pm #

    Because I had a nervous breakdown in my algebra class I had to take a super basic math class in high school to graduate— it was basically a class for people who were going to live on food stamps (nothing wrong with food stamps)… the class taught you how to balance a checkbook, read a bank statement, etc… I was the only one in the class who passed. seriously. I am BAD at math but I’m not a total idiot. I definitely would have needed to start on level one. Math is hard dude.

    • lswan 11/19/2010 at 8:06 am #

      Yeah, I had to take Math 20 in college, and it started with addition. The thing is, I am smart, and could probably master math if I had one inkling of an interest. It’s just so . . . yawn.

  2. Maura 11/19/2010 at 7:05 am #

    Ugh! Thank GOD I did not have to have orientation or a math test when I was unemployed. In college I had to take the two-semester PRE-calculus because I didn’t take it in H.S. I almost didn’t pass. I panicked during the exam. Why? because I sold my book back and thought I was jinxed to fail. My prof (who only had 9.5 fingers and a ponytail) stood behind me saying “and what do you do next” the entire exam. IN COLLEGE.

    • lswan 11/19/2010 at 8:06 am #

      Ok, “only had 9.5 fingers and a pontytail” is the single best description of a person EVER. Love it.

  3. MeAndBaby 11/19/2010 at 8:18 am #

    Stop it. You are waking my children. You are making me literally laugh out loud when I read your posts on my phone at night, while my babies are sleeping in the nursery, with their door closed. So, please, stop.

    OMG, you are hilarious. Is it wrong that I get so much enjoyment from your misery?

    • lswan 11/19/2010 at 3:50 pm #

      I do suffer for my art. 🙂

  4. Liz 11/19/2010 at 9:40 am #

    I work in magazines & occasionally I have to go to the business mail entry office at the central post office downtown. One time I was waiting around for my rep to get back with some papers & her coworker took the opportunity to show me the Internet. This was in 2008. And she was explaining it wrong. These people are in charge of THE MAIL.

    • lswan 11/19/2010 at 3:51 pm #

      These are probably the same people that want to start charging postage for emails. Also, I am incredulous that you work full time and craft like you do.

  5. erin 11/19/2010 at 10:13 am #

    So, I just discovered your blog through Story Bleed and I really love it. First, I live in Oregon too. Second, Winco is some crazy ass shit but I shop there all the time. (I’m the (God help me) soccer mom even though my kids aren’t old enough to play soccer and I don’t own a bluetooth – still, i plow past the slow folks like nobody’s business.) Third, my daughter is a month older than your daughter, so we have that in common. Fourth, I was laid off once too and forced to stay home and I’m still doing it. Not because I want to, mind you, only because day care costs a freaking fortune and I can’t think of a job I’d rather have. Even though I don’t always like staying at home. Oh, life is a conflicting little bitch, huh?

    So, keep writing, because I like reading it.

    • lswan 11/19/2010 at 3:53 pm #

      I love, love, love finding new blogs to read, and there is something divine about finding a fellow Oregonian! Also, someone else staying at home? With a little girl? It’s like the universe set us up on a blind date. 🙂 Also: thank you.

  6. planetnomad 11/19/2010 at 11:47 am #

    I think we’re all dying to know if you passed Level One 😉

    • lswan 11/19/2010 at 3:54 pm #

      I knocked that bitch out! Stalled at Level 3 again. Stupid math with it’s stupid levels.

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